In my heart I knew from when I was a little girl, that there had to be a greater power. When I asked the adults around me, nobody had a definite answer. I did not believe that a school should have canes, the teachers had to be rude, we had to keep studying. In this world Kindness was not valued, only mind based education was.
I was different to the other kids. I wanted to know at the age of 7 yrs what my life purpose was. I did not have a language to express what I felt inside. I felt lonely and lost. I felt like I had no anchor. When I was anxious, then the feeling would be even more intense. I wanted to be comforted and told that everything is as it was meant to be. There is no need to worry, since there is a power that controls everything. You may call it the power, the universe, God, Jesus, Buddha or any other name. The source, from which we come. We will go back, to be enveloped in unconditional love.
I felt like I had no feeling of belonging.I was yet to find my tribe. It took lot of acceptance, effort, tears, anxiety and courage for me to go through school, college, marriage, kids and finally losing my Father who was more or less the person who accepted me and even though he did not have answers, he loved me as I was.
I faced death for the first time. I felt like the world was not worth living at all. I had to bear with this sadness, despair and losing myself, to get the answers. That year in 2000 the millenium year I was diagnosed with severe depression. I went to the Psychiatrist and she was such a lovely lady. I cried that day when I spoke to her, it felt like she understood me. She asked me if I was suicidal and i said “I am not” but this world is too harsh and I dont have the tools to live a happy life here. She started me on a medicine for depression. In two weeks the world become bearable. Slowly the world also became a little better. All the thoughts got connected. Dr Vaijyanti handed me her copy of the book by Dr Brian Weiss “ Many Lives Many Masters”and this book gave me all the answers I was seeking.It made sense.Meanwhile I asked my Father to give evidence that he is somewhere in the universe. He gave the evidence to me. One was, when I saw his translucent form sitting on a chair. I was not sleeping, I had come from outside. The feeling I got was of immense love and I was not afraid. It happened very quickly but it registered in my mind.
The second was when I woke up in the middle of the night and sat up. My younger son was 3 and half years and crying. I saw a jewel like energy ball vibrating on his T shirt on his chest. It hovered there for some time. I tried to wake up my husband to inform him but he was in deep sleep. I did not know what to think of this. The book Dr Vaijyanthi gave me mentions : Many Masters Many Lives: mentions this energy of light. In my heart my Father had given me more than I asked for and also had guided me to find a way out of the sadness.
I felt like telling the whole world about this. I wanted to shout from Roof Tops that “ I saw my father’s form and he looked like an angel.” I started with my mother. She expressed wonder but I do not know that she believed me. From then on whom ever i told, they heard me but changed the topic.
I continued reading books and came across the story of Anita Moorjani and her Near death Experience. In 2022 there was an explosion of so many Near Death Experiences and they all had a similar theme. I knew now that I had the answers and I had figured out what needed to know. Even if everybody doubted me thinking it was my hallucination or imagination, I knew that I had truly experienced something very spiritual. My father still continues to come in my dreams regularly.
My younger son presented me with a very nice head phone and i started going for walks while listening to Podcasts. I started with Podbean and I enjoyed listening to “ Spirit Sisters” by Karina Machado. I now listen to “ Next Level Soul” by Alex Ferrari, who brings on many people who have experienced spirit, sometimes they are mediums, they channel messages from the collective. I feel very happy when i listen to them because the messages that the guests bring, resonate with my heart. I smile as I listen to the podcast and have an inner knowing that we are not here on Earth accidentally. The Earth is a school where we experience all different people and we have to learn to acknowledge that we are different.
Today on next level soul the guest was “ Dr Margot Mckinnon” she has written a book on her theory “ The Dominance Theory” A guide to elevating your 5 Dimensions of self.Her website is MargotMckinnon.com. You can buy the book from her website. When I heard her, I understood myself and why I think the way I do, because I am more Spirit dominant.
1 . Oneness: Connection to the universe.
2. Mind : Logic
3. Body, material
4. Spirit: came from unconditional love.
5. Soul : Life purpose, Anchor
I have developed myself in the body dimension and the mind. I am trying to figure out my soul purpose. In my family mostly everyone is Mind dominant and hence I struggle to make my family understand my point of view. I want to have peace and harmony but many times the spiritual talk is considered taboo. I love my Parents and hence after I lost my Father, I would try to protect my mother and get her through her challenges. I am prepared to get into arguments with anybody to do my best for her. I have lost many relationships very close ones but I accept it and wish them well.
I have understood myself now. A couple of my friends understand me and we share the same beliefs. Even if many people around me do not understand me, I am happy to be myself!
Sapna Yadav
sapnayadav@gmail.com
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